One thing I am fascinated by is how families come to be the size that they are, and also the spacing between children. In particular, I am interested in the decision-making process of mothers. What internal and external factors were at play that caused you to end up with the number of kids you have?

This is, unfortunately, a touchy subject because so many have made it their business to judge other women for their reproductive choices. But my desire to discuss this topic comes only from a place of utter curiosity, and sometimes awe.

Here is how our decision-making process went to cause us to end up with the two boys almost exactly two years apart. The original agreement was that we would have either two kids or three kids.

I wanted my kids to be close in age for two reasons.

First, my sister and I are only nineteen months apart, I don’t remember a time without her, and we were super close for most of our childhood and still close as adults even though we live in different states. I wanted my kids to have a close-in-age buddy like that.

Second, I do not like having babies. I hated breastfeeding. I hated the interrupted sleep and changing diapers, and always having to carry a baby around with me. I wanted to get that part over as quickly as possible so we could get to the fun part of parenting.

So my second baby was born two weeks before my first son’s second birthday.

I had spent that whole second pregnancy thinking that this might be my last pregnancy; I wasn’t sure. But as soon as that second baby was born, I knew I was done. This is it. Nobody else is missing.

So what factors went into our decision-making process? Daycare costs and me trying to maintain a promising career while having babies was not a factor for us, but I know it is for many women. I do think my dislike of the baby and toddler phases had a lot to do with it for me, personally. But on the other hand, if God had come down and said he would just hand me my next kid at five years old rather than forcing me to go through the baby/toddler phases again, I don’t think I would have wanted that either. I have never yearned for just one more, as many mothers seem to.

So I wonder about other women. I suspect that if we were to take a survey of women who have more than three kids we would find that 100% of them adore the baby phase. I suspect that if we were to take a survey of mothers of only children they would be much more likely to share that the baby and toddler phases were exhausting and overwhelming (I agree).

I think your experiences in your natal family influence this a ton too. If you were never close to your siblings–and still aren’t as an adult–you may not see any good reason to have more than one kid. Or maybe you were an only child yourself and really liked the dynamic and want that for your own kid? Or it could go the other way: maybe you hated your one sibling and now you want to have a big family so your kids always have tons of playmates to choose from.

But I have noticed many of my female compatriots yearning for that “just one more” that they never got. It seems like it’s usually the father’s opposition and economic reasons that gets in the way of that “just one more.” But I also wonder if it’s natural female biology to feel that way no matter how many babies you have?

Well… I’m apparently missing that part of my biology.

I haven’t even really touched on the external factors that determine family size, and I know plenty of people end up with surprise children when they thought they were done. At one point–back when blogging was actually cool–I was reading THREE separate “mommy blogs” in which each family had an accidental fourth child. That sure put some fear into my soul. Conversely, I know a couple families who wanted more kids and it just didn’t happen. Or it did happen but with a much larger age gap than intended.

What’s that Star Trek quote? Infinite diversity in infinite combinations? It’s just amazing to me all the different ingredients that go into decisions about family size.

Anyway, this is just another example of things I wish I could ask other people about in polite conversation because I find it so interesting. But no, we have to talk about the weather instead.