Recall that I have yearlong nutrition/fitness goals which renew every month, and an additional resolution theme for each month.

My additional resolution theme this month was writing, and yeah… I would say this was a big failure.

I blame Past Casey, who we all know is the worst and definitely the cause of most of my suffering in life. Past Casey failed to set actual, measurable goals for this resolution. I guess she decided we could “just wing it” despite that having never, ever worked out for us before. Did she think we would actually sit down and write every day for thirty minutes without making a little chart beforehand? Please. Bitch should know better than that by now.

I am happy to report that I did meet my nutrition/fitness goals for this month, the second month in a row that I have accomplished this. This is extra noteworthy this month because I was sick for a week and I ended up having to rearrange my exercise schedule to add in missed sessions.

(I know that people writing about their exercise programs and talking about their exercise habits is so boring. I am so sorry, I am going to do it anyway.)

I am trying to be much more easygoing about my exercise. I hate exercising so much, and have fallen into this unhealthy system around it that goes like this:

Step One: Casey sets an utterly manageable exercise goal.
Step Two: Casey spends a great deal of time stuck in her head handwringing about whether or not she will meet this goal
Step Three: Even in the hours leading up to a scheduled exercise session, Casey will agonize over whether or not she will actually exercise
Step Four: Casey puts on her exercise clothes and still can’t let go of the idea that she might just abandon ship and not exercise and therefore she will continue to be a failure who never does anything right and has no accomplishments to her name
Step Five: Casey exercises, but questions the entire time if she is doing it right or doing enough
Step Six: Casey feels no sense of triumph because she is already freaking out about whether or not she will exercise tomorrow

So I’ve been trying to let go of the entire emotional battleground that I’ve built up around exercising and just trust myself that I will actually exercise and that I will do enough when I am exercising. It might be working? I am only experiencing a mild despair around exercise these days. I am also examining how my struggles with exercise and mostly-healthy-eating have contributed to my feelings of being an overall failure in life, and trying to sever those connections.

Like, what if I never exercised again and ate Doritos every day? Would I still be worthy of love and respect? What if the answer was yes?

Oh and I am still bribing myself because it works. Guess who met her goals and therefore gets to buy herself another Chip and Dale pin from the Disney Store.