It’s May and change is in the air. The children are extra squirrely. I’ve had “teacher gifts” on the bottom of my to do list for weeks now. The calendar is full of recitals and graduations.

It’s almost the end of the school year, and as the unemployed parent I both eagerly anticipate and dread the end of the school year.

I used to be really good at having my kids home with me all the time. Even when they were toddlers and babies and they were always inventing new ways to hurt themselves and each other, I rocked the stay-at-home parenthood. We had some built-in routines but also flexibility. I had a running list in my head of potential outings and playdates. I knew what time all the nature centers opened, and which indoor play areas were most likely to keep my kids immersed for hours. I rotated toys like it was my job (I mean I guess it was my job).

I can’t tell if I’m just out of practice or still burned out from those early years of parenthood. I was good at it, but it was hard. Really hard.

Good Things About the Upcoming Summer Break:
1. No more prying my youngest out of bed with a crowbar at 6 AM.
2. No more homework! Even better: no more emotions about homework!
3. Flexible schedule for cabin time, hiking, going to the pool, etc.
4. Three months of not worrying about school shootings!

Bad Things About the Upcoming Summer Break:
1. I am in charge of my children’s entertainment and stimulation 100% of the time.

Now please know that I am a big proponent of boredom in childhood. Boredom is the seed of creativity! Boredom is what gives us space to explore our thoughts. Boredom is amazing!

But how much boredom is too much boredom? And at what point does healthy boredom become social isolation and a harmful lack of parental interest?

This was something I struggled with back when they were little and I was a stay-at-home mom. Yes, I did want them to experience boredom and not be dependent on me for stimulation, but if I had been working they would have been in daycare and constantly entertained by their classmates and the fun art project the teacher was leading. There were things they missed out on by not going to daycare, and I felt the pressure to make up for that by planning regular playdates and constant playground trips.

I think it worked out okay, and my kids are pretty good at self-entertaining, but not all day every day. Even animals in the zoo need stimulation, and my little nine- and eleven-year-old animals do need entertainment.

But maybe I’m overcomplicating things by assuming they need outings and playdates.

My favorite childhood summers were the summers of 1995, 1996, and 1997. My mom was sick of dealing with the bullshit of the high school students she used to hire as nannies every summer. My sister and I were not old enough to legally work yet, but we were old enough to stay home alone during the day. In the morning my mom would write our chores on the whiteboard in the kitchen, drop my little brother off at his cheap summer daycare, and my sister and I would get almost eight hours daily of the house to ourselves.

Those were fantastic summers. We listened to Jewel’s Pieces of You album over and over again while we did cartwheels in the living room and ate dry cocoa mix. We watched The Sound of Music every day one summer, and My Best Friend’s Wedding every day the next summer. I played with my gerbils in the sandbox. This was the summer that the kindly Jehovah’s Witnesses gave us a pamphlet about their religion and by the time my mom got home from work my sister and I had doctored it up into “The Monkey Bible.” We never left the house during the day. We loved it.

Maybe this summer I should bring back the Summer of 1995 for my own kids. Dry cocoa mix will be the only snack option. We’ll buy some gerbils and download the Pieces of You album. I’ll tell the kids they can have as much screen time as they want but the only screen time options are The Sound of Music and My Best Friend’s Wedding. I will teach them how to do cartwheels.

And if we’re lucky the Jehovah’s Witnesses will show up at least once.

But the reality is that I am not a single working mother. I am home all day, I don’t have a job. My kids missed out on daycare in their early years and now it feels like they’re missing out on the glory of the independent summer unencumbered by the presence of a responsible adult. I’m going to be here every day yelling at them about clothes left on the floor and doling out little doses of screen time. I’m going to make them eat apples for snack and go on long, annoying hikes.

Moms truly are the worst.

I gotta get a job.