Pertinent to my Interests

When I last wrote I was suffering through a major tech issue with my computer that has since resolved just as mysteriously as it started. I am grateful and trying not to question it too much.

I am almost done with Christmas shopping. I’ve got one teacher gift left to purchase, and possibly two kid gifts. Other than that, it’s just fretting about shipping times and fighting with wrapping paper for the next nine days. That part I don’t mind so much.

I got the new Zelda game, Echoes of Wisdom, on my birthday. I have been very slowly working my way through it. I am very proud of the fact that–so far–I have figured everything out myself and have not turned to the Internet for answers to seemingly unbeatable bosses or particularly flummoxing dungeon puzzles. I am not good at Zelda games. My sister and brother are both very good at Zelda games, but I always gave up around the fourth dungeon or so. I am determined to beat this one myself, even if it takes me months to figure these things out.

My oldest kid was diagnosed with an infected finger and cellulitis last week, so I spent a large chunk of last Tuesday evening at my local dystopian Walgreens. Standing in line there for an hour and overhearing all the interactions and gazing at the dirty, empty shelves made me feel like I was watching the United States crumble right before my eyes. One pharmacy customer ran out of the store screaming “Fuck this country!!!!” destroying displays on the way out. A pharmacy tech used the same word in frustration even after the pharmacist asked him not to.

Anyway, my kid is on day 6 of antibiotics and it’s already hard to tell which finger was the infected one, and I am very grateful. But now I’m all in my head about those alternate universes in which we don’t have access to antibiotics and that Casey is burying her oldest child after spending three days at his bedside while he grew desperately, fatally ill and my prayers for healing went unanswered.

This is why I don’t sleep well at night.

But I went to the grocery store today to do the grocery shopping and I purchased so much cheese that the cashier commented on the extreme amount of cheese in my cart. This is even more notable because I’m pretty sure the cashiers at this store undergo extensive sensitivity training to prevent them from commenting on the food that people are buying. It is, perhaps, my proudest grocery store moment.

So my computer is doing this fun new thing where it dies anytime it’s idle for more than ten seconds. Everything works great if I’m moving my pointer or typing or streaming a movie, but if I stop interacting with the screen for more than ten seconds, WordPress and Gmail are replaced by darkness and sadness.

I spent about two hours working through this with Microsoft support the other day, and they ended up recommending that I upgrade to Windows 11. The upgrade process was particularly not fun because I had to sit there for a full hour making little circles with my pointer because I didn’t want the system to shut down in the middle of installing the update.

Blogging is not fun either. I feel a little frantic knowing that I can’t put too much time or thought into each sentence. The words have to keep coming in a steady stream! No time to breathe! No time to think! No time to punctuate appropriately!

I am currently in my pipe organ era. I very randomly attended an organ concert at a local church and it was so cool. The pipe organ is really too much power for one person to wield, but man, I want to wield that power. I started googling organ instructors near me. I found one name which led me to… her obituary. She died last year. So I’m still working on that. But in the meantime I’ve been enjoying watching Anna Lapwood’s YouTube and practicing my piano as if I will one day play these pieces on the organ.

It is the Christmas season and I am really struggling to get into the spirit. I seem to enjoy Christmas less and less every year, and I find this fact depressing, especially since I know the real reason behind my lack of enthusiasm is that I am the mom of the family.

Here is a list of things I like about Christmas:
* baking and decorating cookies
*listening to Christmas music
* the kids lighting the candles on the Advent wreath at dinner
* Christmas lights on other people’s houses
* doing Christmas puzzles
* watching Christmas movies
* setting up the nativity
*the green and red M&Ms
*how cozy my local bar feels with the Christmas decorations up

Here is a list of things I don’t like about Christmas:
* buying gifts
*wrapping gifts
*opening gifts in front of people
*shipping gifts
*ordering gifts online and then fretting about how long shipping will take
*dealing with all the boxes and packaging from the shipments
*buying gifts
*mailing Christmas cards
*the pressure to buy Christmas pajamas for the whole family
*the pressure to buy ugly Christmas sweaters for the whole family
*the pressure to buy Advent calendars
*the pressure to do gingerbread houses
*buying gifts
*traveling during the Christmas season
*getting a tree
*decorating a tree
*watering the tree
*buying gifts
*taking the tree down
*doing our own holiday light display on the house
*the fact that my cats refuse to wear Christmas sweaters
*Christmas activities outside the house where there are other families and children
*buying gifts

In reviewing these lists it’s clear that I don’t actually dislike Christmas. I dislike buying gifts, wrapping gifts, and receiving gifts. If we could just do away with that whole aspect of Christmas I would be much happier. Unfortunately, when I polled my children about what they liked most about Christmas (in a blatant attempt to cut out the stuff that nobody cares about) they named presents as the most important thing.

I had resolved last weekend that we should do more Christmas-y activities in order to trick myself into enjoying Christmas. I even made a list of local Christmas events that wouldn’t make me want to die. But here we are about to step into a merry December weekend and all I have planned is to make nachos and watch Star Trek: Lower Decks as a family tonight.

Have y’all heard this saying? I hear it every year around this time.

But what do they mean when they say it?!

Option A
It’s the first day of snow and everyone is driving way under the speed limit and way too timidly because they have forgotten how to drive in the snow.

Option B
It’s the first day of snow and everyone is driving like they normally do because they have forgotten that you have to slow down and be cautious when driving in the snow.

If you say this or come from a family that says this, could you tell me what it means? I feel like proper use of this phrase is a major part of my assimilation into Minnesota culture, but I really need to know what it means first.

One of my favorite things about having a job again is having coworkers.

I love coworkers. I love getting to know how people think and why they are the way they are, and I love knowing the names of their cats and what their spouse’s most annoying habit is. I get to study them and follow along with their stories without the pressure of maintaining a friendship on weekends! And sometimes they bring in baked goods!

I genuinely adore many of my coworkers, and there are many more I am still getting to know.

But here is the hardest part of having coworkers: they like to greet and be greeted in the morning.

I am a not a natural greeter. I have no inclination to mark someone’s appearance or departure with any sort of words. Walk into the room if you must. Walk away if it suits you. Come tell me what your cat got up to last night and we’ll talk, but I just don’t see the point in saying “good morning” when we all know that you’re still getting over covid and yesterday was a tough day in your classroom and you have an observation today.

But people say “good morning.” They say it all the time, regardless of the moral characteristics of that particular morning. And it turns out staring at your computer screen and grunting in response is not considered particularly friendly.

So I’m saying “good morning” now or at least I’m trying to. It feels so unnatural. I feel like an alien who is attempting to assimilate to human culture. A coworker walks through the door and my mind goes through a whole sixteen step process of pumping me up and prepping me to greet them. Just start with the G sound and move carefully into the OO sound… Smile on face! Eye contact! You can do it!

Does everyone feel like this when they are trying to fit into a group? Or is this my undiagnosed autism at play again? Social skills have never come to me naturally and over the years I have made an effort to study what other people do in social situations and then mimic it myself. And I just can’t tell if this is the definition of culture or the definition of autism.

Well, here we are. Time to start stressing out about Christmas gifts. I am a terrible gift giver, so this is a struggle for me every year.

In the interest of helping someone out who maybe has a Person Similar to Casey on their Christmas list, I thought I would list out some of my favorite items that I currently own and love.

Hair Turban
(updated link 11/20) This has been life-changing for me. Being able to get my hair up and off my shoulders after taking a shower is amazing, and it stays put while I get dressed and do all the things in the morning! I will never be without one of these again.

Loungefly Mini Backpack
I had spent most of my life resigned to carrying a stupid fucking purse everywhere I go. I switched to a Loungefly mini backpack when my mom bought me one, and it’s basically my entire personality now. No more purse strap awkwardly sitting right between my boobs! No more purse strap falling off my shoulder! No more purse swinging around anytime I have to bend over! I’ve been told it’s super lame to use a mini backpack and I do not care. I will never go back.

Loop Earplugs
I have the Switch earplugs and I love them. I use them at home when my kids are both watching anime at very high volume in both the living areas and I have nowhere to hide. I used them when I volunteered for an event at school and had to be in a crowded gymnasium full of screaming children for an hour. I used them at an arcade last weekend. They are stupid expensive, and the sort of thing I didn’t think I really needed, but I really love having them now. Thus: the perfect gift!

Nights on Earth Calendar
I am so interested in astronomy and stargazing and yet never take the time to keep track of meteor showers and other events. This calendar puts it all in front of me every day in a nicely visualized package. Love it.

Prisms
My mom always had prisms hanging in the window at her house, and now I have them in the south-facing windows on the main floor. We refer to the winter–when the sun is bright and low in the sky and the trees are bare–as “rainbow season” in my house, and the cats enjoy chasing the little rainbows around if you give the prism a nudge.

Yeowww! Catnip Pillows
Speaking of the cats, these are CK’s favorite cat toys ever. I have to replace them every so often because they become sad, empty husks after months of pouncing and snuggling. Hey, a gift for the cats counts as a gift for the person who loves the cats!

Body Butter
This stuff is too greasy to be used during the day, but moisturizing just once every evening seems to keep me crack-free all winter.

Eliminator Squirrel Proof Feeder
Yes, this is the one I finally cleaned the other day! Despite years of attempts, the squirrels have never managed to get into this one. Expensive, but pays for itself quickly as your seed costs plummet once those hungry little bastards stop stealing from the birds. (I do still put out corn separately for the bunnies and squirrels. I’m not a monster.)

Full Face Snorkel
This is pretty niche, but I love this snorkel and use it at the cabin all summer. It’s nearly impossible to dive with it on, but it provides some amazing views of the underwater world of fish.

Wilhelmina Mints
My favorite! I enjoy one every evening while I’m cleaning up the kitchen.

Nintendo Switch
I know it’s expensive, and I know Nintendo is about to release a new console next year, but there are so many amazing games on the Switch and I don’t want anyone to miss out! I have lots of game recommendations too, but that should probably be a separate post.

Exploding Kittens
Possibly my favorite card game despite the aggressive name. Easy to learn but tons of strategy.

Darn Tough socks
These things are so good but so stupid expensive, which makes them a great gift. They also come with a lifetime warranty (for real! I’ve done it!) which means you’re buying someone a pair of socks for life. Now that’s love.

Sunrise Clock
This was another surprise hit in my history of questionable purchases. I use the sunrise function to wake me every day. It’s far less jarring than waking to a blaring alarm, and I get out of bed much less groggy. Highly recommend this for anyone. I think there are even more of these on the market now so you may want to do your own research before making a purchase.

One thing I am fascinated by is how families come to be the size that they are, and also the spacing between children. In particular, I am interested in the decision-making process of mothers. What internal and external factors were at play that caused you to end up with the number of kids you have?

This is, unfortunately, a touchy subject because so many have made it their business to judge other women for their reproductive choices. But my desire to discuss this topic comes only from a place of utter curiosity, and sometimes awe.

Here is how our decision-making process went to cause us to end up with the two boys almost exactly two years apart. The original agreement was that we would have either two kids or three kids.

I wanted my kids to be close in age for two reasons.

First, my sister and I are only nineteen months apart, I don’t remember a time without her, and we were super close for most of our childhood and still close as adults even though we live in different states. I wanted my kids to have a close-in-age buddy like that.

Second, I do not like having babies. I hated breastfeeding. I hated the interrupted sleep and changing diapers, and always having to carry a baby around with me. I wanted to get that part over as quickly as possible so we could get to the fun part of parenting.

So my second baby was born two weeks before my first son’s second birthday.

I had spent that whole second pregnancy thinking that this might be my last pregnancy; I wasn’t sure. But as soon as that second baby was born, I knew I was done. This is it. Nobody else is missing.

So what factors went into our decision-making process? Daycare costs and me trying to maintain a promising career while having babies was not a factor for us, but I know it is for many women. I do think my dislike of the baby and toddler phases had a lot to do with it for me, personally. But on the other hand, if God had come down and said he would just hand me my next kid at five years old rather than forcing me to go through the baby/toddler phases again, I don’t think I would have wanted that either. I have never yearned for just one more, as many mothers seem to.

So I wonder about other women. I suspect that if we were to take a survey of women who have more than three kids we would find that 100% of them adore the baby phase. I suspect that if we were to take a survey of mothers of only children they would be much more likely to share that the baby and toddler phases were exhausting and overwhelming (I agree).

I think your experiences in your natal family influence this a ton too. If you were never close to your siblings–and still aren’t as an adult–you may not see any good reason to have more than one kid. Or maybe you were an only child yourself and really liked the dynamic and want that for your own kid? Or it could go the other way: maybe you hated your one sibling and now you want to have a big family so your kids always have tons of playmates to choose from.

But I have noticed many of my female compatriots yearning for that “just one more” that they never got. It seems like it’s usually the father’s opposition and economic reasons that gets in the way of that “just one more.” But I also wonder if it’s natural female biology to feel that way no matter how many babies you have?

Well… I’m apparently missing that part of my biology.

I haven’t even really touched on the external factors that determine family size, and I know plenty of people end up with surprise children when they thought they were done. At one point–back when blogging was actually cool–I was reading THREE separate “mommy blogs” in which each family had an accidental fourth child. That sure put some fear into my soul. Conversely, I know a couple families who wanted more kids and it just didn’t happen. Or it did happen but with a much larger age gap than intended.

What’s that Star Trek quote? Infinite diversity in infinite combinations? It’s just amazing to me all the different ingredients that go into decisions about family size.

Anyway, this is just another example of things I wish I could ask other people about in polite conversation because I find it so interesting. But no, we have to talk about the weather instead.

“But how long is the hike going to be?!” my youngest wailed at me this morning. They have the day off from school and I have the day off from work and I had just delivered the bad news that we are going for a hike later.

“Not too long,” I said. “There’s not a ton of trails where we’re going.”

“But how long?!” he demanded. “How many minutes? Ten?”

“Until the Fun-o-Meter is full,” I told him.

“Noooooooooo!” he wailed even louder. “Not the Fun-o-Meter!!!!”

Have I ever told you about my greatest personal parenting invention, the Fun-o-Meter?

It was April 2020. Schools had been shut down due to the Covid-19 pandemic for one month at that point. We had no idea how much further we had to go. My kids were five and seven, and I was struggling to provide us all with some semblance of routine as the world fell apart around us. Part of this routine was getting outside every day, no matter the weather.

Local playgrounds had been closed due to the pandemic, so every afternoon I found myself stuck in the backyard listening to my kids whine about how bored they were.

“How much longer until outside time is over?” the pestered me. “When can we go inside? When is it TV time? When can we have snack? How much longer? How much longer? How much longer?”

And then: a magical moment. For about five seconds I stood at the center of the Venn diagram of parenting desperation and parenting genius.

“You can go inside when the Fun-o-Meter is full,” I said.

“The what?”

“Hold on,” I said. I went inside and drew the very first Fun-o-Meter: a simple thermometer shape drawn in black Sharpie. I brought out my new invention and a red crayon.

“This,” I declared, “is the Fun-o-Meter. I’m going to sit here and measure the amount of fun you guys are having, and when the meter is full we can all go inside and have screen time.”

At first, they didn’t get it. They would wander out into the yard, halfheartedly kick a ball one time, and come back to ask me if the Fun-o-Meter was full.

“It only fills when you’re having fun,” I said. “And you weren’t having fun.”

“But I was having fun! Did you see me with that ball? I am having fun! Why isn’t the Fun-o-Meter full yet?!”

“Well, you sure didn’t look like you were having fun,” I said. “And right now neither of us is having fun so it’s definitely not filling.”

Things started to click. Now they were forced to find a way to have fun. I sat with my book and my red crayon and my Fun-o-Meter and every once in a while I looked up to appraise the situation in the backyard. Plans were being hatched. Toy trucks were being moved around. Holes were being dug and sidewalk chalk was being used. Success! We all filled the Fun-o-Meter!

“Hey, the Fun-o-Meter is full!” I told them. “It’s time to go in for screen time!”

The Fun-o-Meter became a regular fixture during our pandemic lockdown, although I have only drawn the whole thing out a handful of times. Now the Fun-o-Meter just exists in my head.

I still use it regularly all these years later, although less frequently now that everyone is in school and busier. And the kids are resigned to it. They know there is only one way out of their suffering and it doesn’t involve whining or moping or fighting. You must find a way to have some fun.

And that was it, the peak of my parenting. It’s all been downhill from there and unfortunately I don’t have the writing chops to turn this simple concept into a full parenting book, so I’ll never make any money off of it. But I hope this tip is useful for someone out there!

First: I want you all to remember that we humans are captive to the tides of history. This has been and always will be true.

Second: I hate how much brain space so many people have given over to the presidential election. I hate how a certain political candidate seems to have been top of the news and front of mind for almost all my liberal friends for almost a decade now.

Why? Why do you continue to give him that space? I walk away when the subject comes up. There are too many other things–lovely and difficult–to think about. There are other people standing right in front of us who maybe need us right now. I mean this literally, not figuratively. Who is in the room with you right now? Who is on the other end of that text message? Maybe instead of making a statement about a political figure you could center the conversation around your companion instead?

Third: On the topic of fear. I saw a lot of worrying things going around the Internet the past couple months. Some very extreme things. One in particular has stayed with me: a post about how we were going to end up with concentration camps in the United States if the presidential election goes red.

I have buried the lede like the mediocre writer that I am, so I’m going to bold it for emphasis.

Ask yourself: who is benefitting from this fear and hatred that I am feeling?

I guarantee you it is not the person standing in front of you. Your children are certainly not benefitting from it, nor your spouse or parents or neighbors or friends.

The politicians are benefitting from your fear. Anyone who wants the United States divided is benefitting from your hatred.

Is that who you’re working for in this life?

I am begging you, my fellow liberals, who I know (mostly) have good hearts and want to do the right thing: set aside your fear. Stop giving over so much space to this. If you feel strongly about an issue, give your money and time and your vote to that issue.

And please stop talking about it around me. Please. I have students and teachers and families I need to support at my job. I need to be emotionally present at home for my kids and spouse and the one cat who may or may not be sliding into kitty cat dementia. I have friends that I want to uplift and that is just so much more important to me than this change in the tides of history.

I know, I can’t believe it either. My mom called while I was elbow-deep in seed grime and dish soap, and I thought to myself that she would never believe me when I told her why I had ignored her call.

Did you know I have owned this bird feeder for at least five years and have never cleaned it before?

Did you know that according to the Internet you’re supposed to clean your bird feeder every 1-2 weeks?

Did you know that according to the Internet you’re also supposed to soak your showerhead once a month? That’s another thing I recently did for the first time. Eleven years in this house and this was my first time soaking the shower head.

I am very curious how many people actually follow these cleaning guidelines. My instinct is to say that only two or three people in the whole nation do, and they are likely mentally ill, but I don’t know. Maybe there are several of you out there reading this who do soak your showerheads regularly and you are mystified by the fact that I could go so long without doing it. Maybe there are several of you reading this who have never soaked your showerhead and wonder why anyone would waste their time on such a task.

We all live in such different realities, don’t we?

This is making me think of all the other household tasks that I fail to do regularly. Maybe I should wash everyone’s sheets today. I really need to dust but I hate dusting and do my best to avoid it.

Anyway, the bird feeder is clean and full of seed and hanging outside my kitchen window. The cardinals and sparrows already found it and I guarantee you I am not going to be cleaning it again this year.

I’ve been wearing dresses and tights to work this fall.

I hate dresses and tights. Or at least I used to.

I’m sure my mother remembers chasing me around my dad’s house in December of 1993 attempting to wrestle me into yet another pretty dress for yet another Christmas performance at church. I told her I absolutely would not be putting that dress on tonight and then I managed to insert myself under my bed, right in the middle near the wall, where she couldn’t reach me.

I was being a brat, and I knew it even then, but I hated dresses. And tights. And slips. I hated all of it so much, and I was desperate to not put on that dress that night.

But my mom was desparate too.

“Fine,” she said, sighing heavily. “If you put this dress on tonight I’ll never make you wear another dress again.”

“Really?” I said. “You promise?”

“I promise.”

I emerged from my hiding place, put on that dress, and wore it to church. That night when we got home, I took that dress off and did not put on another dress for many, many years. She kept her promise.

What do I hate about dresses? They are swishy. They touch my body in some places but not in others, and especially in the 1980s and 1990s my dresses tended to have itchy seams and little pokey, frilly bits. We wore thick, white tights with a lot of our dresses, and for a long time we also had to wear slips which were silky and didn’t have tons of seams but tended to bunch up in weird places.

In addition to my childhood hatred of dresses, slips, and tights, here are the other items of clothing that I found unacceptable:

1. Jeans, without exception.
2. Wool sweaters.
3. All other sweaters.
4. Anything with a tag.
5. Anything with thick seams.
6. Anything my mom bought at a yard sale.
7. Anything that was uncomfortable in any way.
8. Anything that could become uncomfortable at some point later in the day.

As you can see, I was a very difficult child to dress. And it was difficult for me too! In addition to my sensory issues, I have no aesthetic sense and can never tell if colors complement each other. Every morning as a child I would despondently paw through my drawers of uncomfortable, unacceptable clothing. And even after finding something that I thought would work, I often got sent back down to my room to try again after my mother insisted that red and purple do not go together and I cannot wear that combination to school. But what if my only comfortable pants were purple and my only comfortable shirt was red? WHAT THEN, MOTHER?!

I still struggle to dress myself as an adult, although now I blame this on my continued lack of aesthetic sense and disinterest in clothes shopping. But my sensory issues around clothing have improved! I wear jeans! And dresses! And tights!

Or maybe the clothing has just improved? My mother claims that jeans should only be made of cotton, but I think the modern addition of polyester and spandex is what has allowed me back into jeans as an adult. The dresses I wear are incredibly simple with plain sleeves and a plain round collar (and pockets!). I only wear Snag Tights because they are easy to put on and stay in place and all other tights make me want to die.

But I still hate uncomfortable clothing. I will never, ever be able to wear a wool sweater, even though I like how they look on other people. I am still picky about seams, although I no longer have to remove tags from my clothing.

I do find it ironic that now that we live in this post-pandemic world where sweatpants and leggings have become a legitimate fashion choice, somehow I am often the only adult in the room wearing jeans.