Pertinent to my Interests

I was recently looking at old photos of my kids, photos from back when they wore footy pajamas and built forts out of couch cushions and pulled all the water bottles out of the cabinet just for laughs.

There was so much snow in so many of the pictures! Winter after winter, month after month of toddlers in snow pants and preschoolers being pulled to school in the sled and Kindergarteners trying to help shovel after a big snowfall. There were pictures of cats sitting on the back porch and glaring at the snow in early April. Snowmen built in March. Snow forts in February and sledding in January.

We have an accidental tradition in our household. One night per winter when it’s dark and snowing hard, we put on all our snow gear and we walk to the nearby playground and we play in the new snow while everything glows around us. It’s magical.

I should say we had an accidental tradition. There hasn’t been a great evening snowfall like that in two winters now. We hardly had any snow at all last winter, and just a little this winter.

I’ve been very morose about it all since looking at these pictures. Especially when I think of my kids looking at these same photographs twenty years from now and exclaiming over the amount of snow we used to get. It was glorious, wasn’t it?

I try to soothe myself by remembering that climate is change. Climate has always been change. Nature is change. The land on which my house sits was underwater 450 million years ago, and 2 million years ago it was covered by a glacier. We had locusts destroying all the crops in this state less than 200 years ago. And some years have always been colder or wetter than other years. I try to remind myself about the winter of 2022-2023 when we got massive amounts of snow and it was deadly cold. The boiler at our cabin failed and a bunch of pipes burst and even the toilet bowl cracked open.

See, that was just two years ago!

Someone who is not a meteorologist but who spends his winters plowing snow in the Cascade Mountains was telling me that the old-timers always say that weather is on approximately a hundred-year cycle. That intense, glorious winter of 2022-2023 was the end of the hundred-year cycle, and now we reset and build back up to that.

I hope he’s right. Even if it means I won’t get another winter like that in my lifetime. And my kids won’t either, but I like to picture Minnesota mothers a hundred years from now pulling their children to school on sleds and wrangling dripping, dirty mittens in the entryway every afternoon straight through April.

When I woke up this morning, my first thought was “fuck, I have to exercise.”

I’m clawing my way back onto the exercise train this year, and it sucks. I do not care for exercise. I’ve established an elaborate reward system that involves gold star stickers and Chip and Dale-themed Disney pins and it’s still a struggle to get my ass to the gym.

I don’t really care for physical movement in general, and this is a problem. I’m not excited by the idea of leaving the house and moving my body. I am excited by the idea of sitting in my warm basement and playing through Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening for the second time.

The really sad thing is how I drag everyone else down with me. It would be so good for my family if I was excited about roller skating and made everyone go roller skating on Saturdays. And it would be even better if I made everyone go on a nice winter hike on Sundays, or if I signed us all up for a gym membership with a pool and dragged everyone to the pool every Friday afternoon. If I enjoyed these things myself then it would use very little bandwidth to bring everyone along.

This is the tough part of being the mom. When I am eating candy all the time my kids eat candy all the time. When I’m in my cucumber and tzatziki era so are my kids.

Every good decision I make is magnified in them, and every bad decision too.

It’s too much damn pressure.

I’m sure I’ve blogged about this before, but this whole system continues to weigh on me. It seems like if you’re the kind of person who enjoys being active and eating vegetables then you’ve already got a massive advantage in life and in parenting. But it takes bandwidth and energy for me to make those same good choices that come naturally to others, leaving me with less bandwidth for helping with homework and encouraging piano practice and picking up the living room and sorting through outgrown clothes and grocery shopping and planning birthday parties and planning trips and soothing emotions and not spending too much money and getting everyone–including myself–in bed on time.

Anyway. All I can do is treat myself like a five-year-old with a reward system involving cartoon chipmunks, and hope my kids can develop their own reward system for good choices when they are adults.

We booked our plane tickets for Japan. I am… not excited.

I mean I am excited. I have always wanted to go to Japan, and I am especially excited for the Shinto shrines and the Buddhist temples and seeing the Pacific Ocean from the other side.

Although I did some good traveling in my early twenties, I have turned into an anxious and reluctant traveler in my forties. I have not left the country since 2006.

Here is a list of things I’m worried about:

1. Flying across the Pacific Ocean. It’s just unnatural and absolutely terrifying. What if there’s an emergency and you need to make an emergency landing? Oh no, you just ALL DIE. Also I am still freaked out about Air France 447 and MH370.
2. One of us getting really sick or injured while we’re away.
3. A new pandemic starting while we’re abroad.
4. A major earthquake happening in Japan while we are there. This is particularly dumb to worry about since Japanese buildings are engineered specifically for earthquakes. And I grew up on the Pacific Ring of Fire and have already been through several minor earthquakes in my life!
5. Something terrible happening to the cats while we’re gone.
6. Something terrible happening to the house while we’re gone.
7. A major terrorist attack in Japan.
8. Really anything that shuts down international travel and makes it impossible for us to return home.
9. One of us being so sick or so grievously injured that we DIE in Japan.
10. Insulting everyone with our loud Western ways and our large bodies.
11. Being homesick the whole time.
12. Losing our luggage on the way there and having to replace it with… what? Is there a single female person on Honshu that is as large as me? I think I would just have to wear a mawashi for the rest of the trip?

I would like to pretend that I am an enthusiastic, practical traveler who is totally pumped for this once-in-a-lifetime trip. I want to pretend I’m enjoying all the planning and the researching and that I’m excited to use what little Japanese I have retained from college with actual residents of Japan.

But no, I am me, and at least on this blog I can’t pretend to be anyone else. Out in the world I will pretend I am relishing the planning and really looking forward to the whole thing. But you will all know the truth: that every morning since booking these plane tickets I have woken up at 3 AM with an unhinged panicky feeling.

And people enjoy this.

Is anyone getting sick of these listicle-type blog posts I keep posting? I’m not. They are so easy to write!

I read 44 books this year, falling well short of my 50-book goal. This is the second year in a row that I haven’t made my goal.

Here are the best books I read in 2024.

Where the Dead Pause, and the Japanese Say Goodbye: A Journey by Marie Mutsuki Mockett
What is this book about? Life, death, meditation, religion, growing up caught between two cultures, being a mother, a daughter, a granddaughter, memory, mythology. Everything. Gorgeously written. After finishing this one I went out and got this author’s other non-fiction book and really enjoyed that one too.

Braiding Sweetgrass: Indigenous Wisdom, Scientific Knowledge, and the Teachings of Plants by Robin Wall Kimmerer
This was assigned by my book club and I did not think I would enjoy it as I actively dislike plants for the most part. But it ended up being more a meditation on human morality than anything else and I can see why this book is so hyped and beloved.

Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic by Alison Bechdel
The Bechdel Test is one of my favorite topics of conversation, so it’s really a shame it took me this many years to actually read Ms. Bechdel’s memoir. Chillingly honest, nicely drawn, and fascinating from beginning to end.

The Unclaimed: Abandonment and Hope in the City of Angels by Pamela Prickett and Stefan Timmermans
This book follows the stories of four people who end up dead and unclaimed in Los Angeles. The authors provide an in-depth look at the bureaucratic processes that occur when a person dies without an heir or claimant, while also writing wonderful narratives for each of these unclaimed person’s lives. There are so many ways for a life to unfold in such a way that you end up unclaimed in Los Angeles. If I had to describe this book in one word it would be: humbling.

What You Are Looking For Is in the Library by Michiko Aoyama
My mom bought this for me, I think purely due to the delightful cover art. And then it turned out to be really good and uplifting in a really reasonable way. Definitely read this if you’re a librarian, but anyone can find what they need in this novel.

Psalm for the Wild-Built by Becky Chambers
Lovely and thought-provoking. I want to live in this world.

I lowered my goal for 2025 down to 30 books so maybe next year I can report success in meeting my reading goal, but I do still own a Nintendo Switch so… probably not.

I pushed the Christmas movies hard this year in an effort to get into the Christmas spirit.

It did work. I was feeling pretty merry by December 24th.

Here’s what I watched during the Christmas season in 2024.

Happiest Season
My sister made me watch this one last year and I liked it enough to watch it again this year. It might become a personal tradition. It’s just cute enough and just funny enough and just romantic enough, and it just makes me happy.

Elf
I am not a huge fan of this movie. My favorite scene is in the first five minutes of the film (when the Keebler elf tree burns down) so I don’t really have anything to look forward to after that. We watched this one on my laptop this year while baking cookies and that worked well.

Bob’s Burgers: The Bleakening, Parts 1 & 2 (S8: E6 & E7)
This is my kids’ favorite Bob’s Burgers Christmas episode, and I am a sucker for the silly Twinkly Lights song.

Bob’s Burgers: Last Gingerbread House on the Left (S7:E7)
My second favorite Bob’s Burgers Christmas episode, with my favorite Bob’s Burger’s Christmas song.

Bob’s Burgers: Christmas in the Car (S4:E8)
Possibly my favorite Bob’s Burger’s Christmas episode. “All batteries die, but this one truly lived!”

Die Hard
Yes, we let the kids watch this one with us. I am really not a fan of this movie and hope this doesn’t become a family tradition.

Spirited
Now this is a worthwhile film! Have you even heard of this one? It’s a little Christmas gem hidden away on Apple TV packed with Broadway energy, clever jokes, and a nice message. Highly recommend!

Robin Robin
A 30-minute Christmas short that went well with my coffee one December morning.

Muppet Christmas Carol
I love this movie and try to make sure we watch it every year. I especially love how much material it lifts directly from the book. I listen to this soundtrack every Christmas season because it’s so good.

Polar Express
I had not seen this before and did not particularly care for it, but my kids liked it.

Klaus
My favorite Christmas movie. I will watch this every Christmas season until I die. I cry every time, and not just a single tear sort of cry. It’s the multiple big tears running down my face kind of cry. Put it on your list for next year if you haven’t seen it yet.

In reviewing this list, I am seeing a clear trend in my Christmas movie preferences.

I do not care for the movies that stress the importance of believing in Santa Claus. Why? Why does our culture emphasize the importance of believing in a lie from our childhood? I get that movies with that message are trying to make us feel good and nostalgic and young again but… we aren’t young anymore, are we? Why are we making Christmas magic an ideal that is only for children?

My favorite Christmas movies are the ones that stress the importance of kindness and giving. The movie Klaus, which I adore, creates a version of the Santa Claus origin story, yes, but not once does it state that one must believe in Santa Claus in order to receive gifts or to be happy. No, the theme of Klaus is that a selfless deed always sparks another selfless deed. That’s the message we all need right now.

When I last wrote I was suffering through a major tech issue with my computer that has since resolved just as mysteriously as it started. I am grateful and trying not to question it too much.

I am almost done with Christmas shopping. I’ve got one teacher gift left to purchase, and possibly two kid gifts. Other than that, it’s just fretting about shipping times and fighting with wrapping paper for the next nine days. That part I don’t mind so much.

I got the new Zelda game, Echoes of Wisdom, on my birthday. I have been very slowly working my way through it. I am very proud of the fact that–so far–I have figured everything out myself and have not turned to the Internet for answers to seemingly unbeatable bosses or particularly flummoxing dungeon puzzles. I am not good at Zelda games. My sister and brother are both very good at Zelda games, but I always gave up around the fourth dungeon or so. I am determined to beat this one myself, even if it takes me months to figure these things out.

My oldest kid was diagnosed with an infected finger and cellulitis last week, so I spent a large chunk of last Tuesday evening at my local dystopian Walgreens. Standing in line there for an hour and overhearing all the interactions and gazing at the dirty, empty shelves made me feel like I was watching the United States crumble right before my eyes. One pharmacy customer ran out of the store screaming “Fuck this country!!!!” destroying displays on the way out. A pharmacy tech used the same word in frustration even after the pharmacist asked him not to.

Anyway, my kid is on day 6 of antibiotics and it’s already hard to tell which finger was the infected one, and I am very grateful. But now I’m all in my head about those alternate universes in which we don’t have access to antibiotics and that Casey is burying her oldest child after spending three days at his bedside while he grew desperately, fatally ill and my prayers for healing went unanswered.

This is why I don’t sleep well at night.

But I went to the grocery store today to do the grocery shopping and I purchased so much cheese that the cashier commented on the extreme amount of cheese in my cart. This is even more notable because I’m pretty sure the cashiers at this store undergo extensive sensitivity training to prevent them from commenting on the food that people are buying. It is, perhaps, my proudest grocery store moment.

So my computer is doing this fun new thing where it dies anytime it’s idle for more than ten seconds. Everything works great if I’m moving my pointer or typing or streaming a movie, but if I stop interacting with the screen for more than ten seconds, WordPress and Gmail are replaced by darkness and sadness.

I spent about two hours working through this with Microsoft support the other day, and they ended up recommending that I upgrade to Windows 11. The upgrade process was particularly not fun because I had to sit there for a full hour making little circles with my pointer because I didn’t want the system to shut down in the middle of installing the update.

Blogging is not fun either. I feel a little frantic knowing that I can’t put too much time or thought into each sentence. The words have to keep coming in a steady stream! No time to breathe! No time to think! No time to punctuate appropriately!

I am currently in my pipe organ era. I very randomly attended an organ concert at a local church and it was so cool. The pipe organ is really too much power for one person to wield, but man, I want to wield that power. I started googling organ instructors near me. I found one name which led me to… her obituary. She died last year. So I’m still working on that. But in the meantime I’ve been enjoying watching Anna Lapwood’s YouTube and practicing my piano as if I will one day play these pieces on the organ.

It is the Christmas season and I am really struggling to get into the spirit. I seem to enjoy Christmas less and less every year, and I find this fact depressing, especially since I know the real reason behind my lack of enthusiasm is that I am the mom of the family.

Here is a list of things I like about Christmas:
* baking and decorating cookies
*listening to Christmas music
* the kids lighting the candles on the Advent wreath at dinner
* Christmas lights on other people’s houses
* doing Christmas puzzles
* watching Christmas movies
* setting up the nativity
*the green and red M&Ms
*how cozy my local bar feels with the Christmas decorations up

Here is a list of things I don’t like about Christmas:
* buying gifts
*wrapping gifts
*opening gifts in front of people
*shipping gifts
*ordering gifts online and then fretting about how long shipping will take
*dealing with all the boxes and packaging from the shipments
*buying gifts
*mailing Christmas cards
*the pressure to buy Christmas pajamas for the whole family
*the pressure to buy ugly Christmas sweaters for the whole family
*the pressure to buy Advent calendars
*the pressure to do gingerbread houses
*buying gifts
*traveling during the Christmas season
*getting a tree
*decorating a tree
*watering the tree
*buying gifts
*taking the tree down
*doing our own holiday light display on the house
*the fact that my cats refuse to wear Christmas sweaters
*Christmas activities outside the house where there are other families and children
*buying gifts

In reviewing these lists it’s clear that I don’t actually dislike Christmas. I dislike buying gifts, wrapping gifts, and receiving gifts. If we could just do away with that whole aspect of Christmas I would be much happier. Unfortunately, when I polled my children about what they liked most about Christmas (in a blatant attempt to cut out the stuff that nobody cares about) they named presents as the most important thing.

I had resolved last weekend that we should do more Christmas-y activities in order to trick myself into enjoying Christmas. I even made a list of local Christmas events that wouldn’t make me want to die. But here we are about to step into a merry December weekend and all I have planned is to make nachos and watch Star Trek: Lower Decks as a family tonight.

Have y’all heard this saying? I hear it every year around this time.

But what do they mean when they say it?!

Option A
It’s the first day of snow and everyone is driving way under the speed limit and way too timidly because they have forgotten how to drive in the snow.

Option B
It’s the first day of snow and everyone is driving like they normally do because they have forgotten that you have to slow down and be cautious when driving in the snow.

If you say this or come from a family that says this, could you tell me what it means? I feel like proper use of this phrase is a major part of my assimilation into Minnesota culture, but I really need to know what it means first.

One of my favorite things about having a job again is having coworkers.

I love coworkers. I love getting to know how people think and why they are the way they are, and I love knowing the names of their cats and what their spouse’s most annoying habit is. I get to study them and follow along with their stories without the pressure of maintaining a friendship on weekends! And sometimes they bring in baked goods!

I genuinely adore many of my coworkers, and there are many more I am still getting to know.

But here is the hardest part of having coworkers: they like to greet and be greeted in the morning.

I am a not a natural greeter. I have no inclination to mark someone’s appearance or departure with any sort of words. Walk into the room if you must. Walk away if it suits you. Come tell me what your cat got up to last night and we’ll talk, but I just don’t see the point in saying “good morning” when we all know that you’re still getting over covid and yesterday was a tough day in your classroom and you have an observation today.

But people say “good morning.” They say it all the time, regardless of the moral characteristics of that particular morning. And it turns out staring at your computer screen and grunting in response is not considered particularly friendly.

So I’m saying “good morning” now or at least I’m trying to. It feels so unnatural. I feel like an alien who is attempting to assimilate to human culture. A coworker walks through the door and my mind goes through a whole sixteen step process of pumping me up and prepping me to greet them. Just start with the G sound and move carefully into the OO sound… Smile on face! Eye contact! You can do it!

Does everyone feel like this when they are trying to fit into a group? Or is this my undiagnosed autism at play again? Social skills have never come to me naturally and over the years I have made an effort to study what other people do in social situations and then mimic it myself. And I just can’t tell if this is the definition of culture or the definition of autism.

Well, here we are. Time to start stressing out about Christmas gifts. I am a terrible gift giver, so this is a struggle for me every year.

In the interest of helping someone out who maybe has a Person Similar to Casey on their Christmas list, I thought I would list out some of my favorite items that I currently own and love.

Hair Turban
(updated link 11/20) This has been life-changing for me. Being able to get my hair up and off my shoulders after taking a shower is amazing, and it stays put while I get dressed and do all the things in the morning! I will never be without one of these again.

Loungefly Mini Backpack
I had spent most of my life resigned to carrying a stupid fucking purse everywhere I go. I switched to a Loungefly mini backpack when my mom bought me one, and it’s basically my entire personality now. No more purse strap awkwardly sitting right between my boobs! No more purse strap falling off my shoulder! No more purse swinging around anytime I have to bend over! I’ve been told it’s super lame to use a mini backpack and I do not care. I will never go back.

Loop Earplugs
I have the Switch earplugs and I love them. I use them at home when my kids are both watching anime at very high volume in both the living areas and I have nowhere to hide. I used them when I volunteered for an event at school and had to be in a crowded gymnasium full of screaming children for an hour. I used them at an arcade last weekend. They are stupid expensive, and the sort of thing I didn’t think I really needed, but I really love having them now. Thus: the perfect gift!

Nights on Earth Calendar
I am so interested in astronomy and stargazing and yet never take the time to keep track of meteor showers and other events. This calendar puts it all in front of me every day in a nicely visualized package. Love it.

Prisms
My mom always had prisms hanging in the window at her house, and now I have them in the south-facing windows on the main floor. We refer to the winter–when the sun is bright and low in the sky and the trees are bare–as “rainbow season” in my house, and the cats enjoy chasing the little rainbows around if you give the prism a nudge.

Yeowww! Catnip Pillows
Speaking of the cats, these are CK’s favorite cat toys ever. I have to replace them every so often because they become sad, empty husks after months of pouncing and snuggling. Hey, a gift for the cats counts as a gift for the person who loves the cats!

Body Butter
This stuff is too greasy to be used during the day, but moisturizing just once every evening seems to keep me crack-free all winter.

Eliminator Squirrel Proof Feeder
Yes, this is the one I finally cleaned the other day! Despite years of attempts, the squirrels have never managed to get into this one. Expensive, but pays for itself quickly as your seed costs plummet once those hungry little bastards stop stealing from the birds. (I do still put out corn separately for the bunnies and squirrels. I’m not a monster.)

Full Face Snorkel
This is pretty niche, but I love this snorkel and use it at the cabin all summer. It’s nearly impossible to dive with it on, but it provides some amazing views of the underwater world of fish.

Wilhelmina Mints
My favorite! I enjoy one every evening while I’m cleaning up the kitchen.

Nintendo Switch
I know it’s expensive, and I know Nintendo is about to release a new console next year, but there are so many amazing games on the Switch and I don’t want anyone to miss out! I have lots of game recommendations too, but that should probably be a separate post.

Exploding Kittens
Possibly my favorite card game despite the aggressive name. Easy to learn but tons of strategy.

Darn Tough socks
These things are so good but so stupid expensive, which makes them a great gift. They also come with a lifetime warranty (for real! I’ve done it!) which means you’re buying someone a pair of socks for life. Now that’s love.

Sunrise Clock
This was another surprise hit in my history of questionable purchases. I use the sunrise function to wake me every day. It’s far less jarring than waking to a blaring alarm, and I get out of bed much less groggy. Highly recommend this for anyone. I think there are even more of these on the market now so you may want to do your own research before making a purchase.