I’ve been wearing dresses and tights to work this fall.
I hate dresses and tights. Or at least I used to.
I’m sure my mother remembers chasing me around my dad’s house in December of 1993 attempting to wrestle me into yet another pretty dress for yet another Christmas performance at church. I told her I absolutely would not be putting that dress on tonight and then I managed to insert myself under my bed, right in the middle near the wall, where she couldn’t reach me.
I was being a brat, and I knew it even then, but I hated dresses. And tights. And slips. I hated all of it so much, and I was desperate to not put on that dress that night.
But my mom was desparate too.
“Fine,” she said, sighing heavily. “If you put this dress on tonight I’ll never make you wear another dress again.”
“Really?” I said. “You promise?”
“I promise.”
I emerged from my hiding place, put on that dress, and wore it to church. That night when we got home, I took that dress off and did not put on another dress for many, many years. She kept her promise.
What do I hate about dresses? They are swishy. They touch my body in some places but not in others, and especially in the 1980s and 1990s my dresses tended to have itchy seams and little pokey, frilly bits. We wore thick, white tights with a lot of our dresses, and for a long time we also had to wear slips which were silky and didn’t have tons of seams but tended to bunch up in weird places.
In addition to my childhood hatred of dresses, slips, and tights, here are the other items of clothing that I found unacceptable:
- Jeans, without exception.
- Wool sweaters.
- All other sweaters.
- Anything with a tag.
- Anything with thick seams.
- Anything my mom bought at a yard sale.
- Anything that was uncomfortable in any way.
- Anything that could become uncomfortable at some point later in the day.
As you can see, I was a very difficult child to dress. And it was difficult for me too! In addition to my sensory issues, I have no aesthetic sense and can never tell if colors complement each other. Every morning as a child I would despondently paw through my drawers of uncomfortable, unacceptable clothing. And even after finding something that I thought would work, I often got sent back down to my room to try again after my mother insisted that red and purple do not go together and I cannot wear that combination to school. But what if my only comfortable pants were purple and my only comfortable shirt was red? WHAT THEN, MOTHER?!
I still struggle to dress myself as an adult, although now I blame this on my continued lack of aesthetic sense and disinterest in clothes shopping. But my sensory issues around clothing have improved! I wear jeans! And dresses! And tights!
Or maybe the clothing has just improved? My mother claims that jeans should only be made of cotton, but I think the modern addition of polyester and spandex is what has allowed me back into jeans as an adult. The dresses I wear are incredibly simple with plain sleeves and a plain round collar (and pockets!). I only wear Snag Tights because they are easy to put on and stay in place and all other tights make me want to die.
But I still hate uncomfortable clothing. I will never, ever be able to wear a wool sweater, even though I like how they look on other people. I am still picky about seams, although I no longer have to remove tags from my clothing.
I do find it ironic that now that we live in this post-pandemic world where sweatpants and leggings have become a legitimate fashion choice, somehow I am often the only adult in the room wearing jeans.