My temp job started last week. My first time working for pay in twelve years, and my very first time working and also being a parent.

It was an interesting experiment.

I liked going to work this week. I liked getting emails and solving problems for the teachers and staff. I even liked answering the phone and finding information for parents. I liked feeling like I was making a difference, and that difference did not involve the cleanliness level of anything. I liked being busy and part of a team.

A few of my working parent friends had given me some advice, and I think the best advice I received was not to plan any complicated dinners, especially that first week. So I didn’t. We had frozen enchiladas one night, and macaroni & cheese out of a box another night. I have decided we are just getting Jimmy Johns every Wednesday from here until eternity.

My sister reminded me that new jobs are always extra tiring, and that made me feel better about how exhausted I have been since Wednesday. In addition to learning how to do my job, I feel like I am learning how to do life all over again. Every system I had in place has to be reworked. When do I manage to do laundry and when do I manage to fold laundry? How do I get myself and my youngest ready to leave the house at the same time? Should I be going to the grocery store on Sunday with the rest of the working parent zombies or should I try to go on Tuesday evenings?

Everything feels more difficult. I’m driving through both morning and evening rush hour. I’m picking my kid up from childcare at rush hour. My younger son doesn’t have time to practice piano, do his homework, get his usual one hour of screen time, eat dinner, shower, and get in bed by 8 PM and I hate that. My older son is home alone for several hours some afternoons and I hate that too.

Everything feels so much more frantic, and I feel so frazzled, and although I’m sure it will get better with time, I’m also sure that two full-time working parents will always, to some extent, be a no-win scenario.

But is it worth it? The slight increase in my sense of self-worth, the satisfaction I get out of my productivity, the enjoyment of being part of a team: are these things worth it to make our lives more complicated and rushed?

I’m not sure yet.

I did reach one important conclusion this week, though: I am glad I stayed home with the kids when they were little. Even though they certainly missed out on things by not being in daycare and I certainly missed out on things by not being at work, it was the right decision for our family at the time. And I will never have a big, cool career or be a big earner, but I still have twenty-five years of gainful employment ahead of me and that is plenty of time to enjoy functioning as a professional again.