I ended up at the cabin for one night by myself last weekend. We happened to have two cars for 48 hours (long, boring story) and my husband wanted to take the kids to the local amusement park for the day on Saturday.

“That’s fine,” I said. “I’ll go up to the cabin for the day to mow the lawn and water the trees and clean the beach.”

Being alone at the cabin is the introvert mom’s dream, right? A whole day spent just with my own thoughts, only feeding myself, only picking up after myself. A silent retreat of one person, but with a screening of The Shining at the end of the day.

I didn’t even really enjoy my alone time. I missed my stupid family. Not making dinner was great, and not picking up after anyone else was also great, but otherwise it was just kind of lame.

It made me wish that I could be with my family but without the level of responsibility that usually entails.

My personality, I think, is not really optimized for the role of “mother.” I’ve concluded that my best-fit family role is probably “friendly-but-skittish cat.”

We have a friendly-but-skittish cat. This cat wants to be in the same room as us, generally. He even likes to share the couch with me, but he always sits just out of arm’s reach. No petting allowed. He’ll purr super loudly at me, but he’ll depart quickly if I talk to him too much or try to lean too far and pet him.

I think “teenage daughter” is also a good match for my personality. Everyone in her family annoys and embarrasses her, but she’ll show up for family movie night and maybe leave halfway through. She’ll refuse to play Rummikub even when pressured to do so, but then will sit in the living room with a book listening to the rest of the family mixing tiles and chatting. She’ll do chores if you tell her to, but only if you tell her to. When her little brother starts freaking out about spelling words she just walks away.

The role of “mother” is just not working for me. Who makes every meal? Mother! Who knows where the beach towels are kept? Mother! Who listens patiently to long stories about anime characters? Mother! Who validates emotions and settles sibling disputes? Mother! “Mother” is the star of the family show and I am, frankly, not star material.

I am meant to live on the edge of family life. I want my family around me, but I don’t want the all-consuming and endless responsibility that comes with having a family. And let’s be clear that I don’t just mean the chores that come with parenthood. The part that really tires me out is the emotional part, having to balance and rebalance the emotions of all the family members. Anticipating needs. Dealing with the fallout of disappointment.

And this isn’t the sort of thing you can hire out. Even with a full-time cook, full-time nanny, full-time housekeeper, and hyper involved spouse, there are things that can’t be outsourced from the mother. Sometimes kids just really, really need to tell their mother about this cool new theory on Shanks’s origins.

Anyway, I’ve permanently aged out of the “teenage daughter” role and can’t be “friendly but skittish cat” in this life, but I’m hoping “empty-nester mother of mostly-well-adjusted adult children” ends up being a good fit for me when we start recasting roles in seven years or so.